No more...

A year ago, I woke up and told Jeremy I was ready to start Crossfit… (After months/years of him trying to convince me, I decided I was ready on my own.)

A year ago, I decided to tell myself “no more”.

No more feeding those lies in my head.

Those lies that I was unintentionally using as a crutch.

The lies that were engraved in my head from having 3 knee surgeries. Lies that came from the heartache of getting hurt, to recovering, to training, to getting hurt, to recovering, to training, to getting hurt, to recovering, to…. Quitting. I had enough.

Lies that left scars that I kept trying to bury. Scars that I would constantly try to ignore and not allow to heal properly. Scars that definitely took a toll on my body. Scars that ultimately filled me with anxiety and grief.

A year ago, I said “Screw it, No more”. No more believing those lies that were saying that I would never keep up, that I would get hurt, that I was too out of shape to even begin, that I would be wasting everyone’s time, the lies that ultimately came down to… my brokenness, my self-worth. I was done being the victim of my own mind and body. Y’all it was hard. Can you relate?

You see what I was forgetting is that something I knew all along, something that I was constantly telling others, but not soaking in myself… that something was that God takes our brokenness, our scattered pieces and turns it into something beautiful.

You see, we are God’s masterpiece. He created every freckle on your body and every hair on your head. He created your beautiful eyes, your smelly toes, your curvy body. He created you just the way you are. You may see flaws, but he sees a masterpiece.

Imagine being in a pottery class. Now, imagine being done with your pottery piece and you are so proud because of how perfect your piece turned out. Now… imagine the teacher coming over and criticizing every flaw they saw. Would you be crushed? Heartbroken? Frustrated? … HELLO…That’s how God feels when we criticize ourselves.

Y’all we are worth SO much more than those scars we are listening to in our heads. We are God’s masterpiece, we are his workmanship. How stink’n amazing is that?? “For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -Ephesians 2:10

Yes, there are times that you may need to sand down or dust off your clay pot. There are times that accidents happen and your clay pot may be shattered, chipped, or even needing some new paint or glaze. God see’s all of that. He see’s us for who we are. He picks up the broken pieces and meets us where we are at. No matter how much gunk and baggage we collect.

You, yes YOU are God’s most prized possession. He looks at you and he is proud. There is nothing you can do that would make him think less of you. It is by grace that you have been saved through faith (Ephesians 2:8).

A year ago… A year ago I decided to let go of my shame and to allow God to help pick up my scattered pieces. I was desperate for him to help me build my pottery again. It was my new beginning. I was ready to help sand down, paint and glaze the beautiful pottery that God saw all along.

Do not get me wrong, Crossfit is HARD, but Crossfit is also a beautiful reminder to me of where I have been and where I am going. The scars… they tell a story of a new-found strength, confidence, and determination. The scars tell a story of a cracked vase that is full of cuss words, eye rolls, sweat, and tears. They tell a story of the most perfect artist who sees the beauty in it all and continues to choose me, just like he chooses YOU.

What are you saying “no more” to? What is the crutch that you have been unintentionally leaning on? The most perfect artist wants to help you let go of your crutch and mold you, will you let him? You my friend are valued. You are important. You are cherished. YOU are loved. You are worth it.

If this stubborn girl who has zits on her face, gap between her teeth, lumps on her thighs, 2 different shaped knees can learn to see herself the way God sees her, so can you.

We are in this together. We’ve got this!

Love,
Emily 

Finding God in the gunk of life.

Hi. My name is Emily. I’m a wife. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a dog mom. I’m a friend. I’m a youth worker. I’m a coffee enthusiast. I’m a Mexican food junkie. I am a travel freak. I am someone who is trying to break up my break up with God. *Gasp* Now before you freak out and start sending me a billion text messages, emails or Facebook comments, hear me out. Throughout this past season of life, I have been blessed beyond measure and I have also felt like I have been incredibly, I mean incredibly beat up. Charles Spurgeon once said, “The seasons change and you change, but the Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad and as full as ever.”

I have recently found two incredible women on social media who are entrepreneurs, Jenna Kutcher and Ashley LeMieux. They have put their vulnerability on the line to show how on social media their life may look perfect but behind the camera they are just like everyone else. They are struggling too. They are trying to navigate through this crazy, messy, beautiful life just like each of us.

I do not want this blog to sound like I am complaining or that I am being a drama queen. Quite the opposite, actually. I want to be real, I want to be raw, I want to be vulnerable, and I want others to know that they are not alone in this fight. I want people to know that together we are fighting, together we are striving and together we are re- learning to love Jesus a whole lot more. *Now you can breathe*

This past year has been a crazy roller coaster of mountains and valleys. From getting engaged, to graduating college, to getting married, to having a dream job (to turning down a few others for it), to losing that dream job, to going back on Dad’s payroll because those other jobs were no longer available, to being turned down/rejected from 25 (Yes you heard me right, 25!) jobs. What the heck.

Marriage. Marriage is one of the best decisions I have ever made. My husband is the most patient and kind-hearted person I know. He knows my quirks and somehow makes them awesome. He knows my struggles and insecurities and somehow helps make them disappear. He is the greatest. The way he loves me shows me just a glimpse of how our God loves. Can you even imagine?!

Job-hunting, job hunting brings out my insecurities. The insecurities that I have been working to fight off for my whole life. Those lies that the enemy tries to engrave on my body so every time I look in the mirror my worth feels like it is flushed down the toilet. Yes, I go into those interviews, chin up, smile on my face, heels on ready to kick some ass but once that rejection email or phone call comes around saying: “Emily we loved you but you got beat out by someone with a few more years of experience”, “Emily would your husband be interested in this position? You could volunteer? We do not have women in leadership positions here.” or better yet from HR from my alma mater stating

“You are not qualified for this position.”  When people would ask how I was doing, my immediate response was, “I’m good!” When deep down it felt as though there was barbed wire around my heart, broken and ready to burst. Watching from the sidelines as friends are getting their dream jobs and wondering if you will ever get the chance to get yours.

“You are not qualified”, “you got beat out by someone who had more experience” are statements said in every single email or phone call I have received. In my head, these statements translated to “Emily, you are not good enough.” Deep down I knew that this statement I had created was not true BUT when you see these statements in writing, week after week, interview after interview, they start to really put a toll on ones self. Statements that unintentionally start to define you. These statements create a fight that you get tired of fighting. Thoughts and dreams began popping into my head that were scary, knowing that I would not act, but because of this I had to get my support system/table of people around me to help me fight through this time in my life successfully and gracefully. I was at a point in my life where I would get an email, run to my car crying hysterically, and just start yelling at God, “GOD. WHAT THE _____ (You fill in the blank)!!!!!” I was at a point in my life that if one more person told me, “God’s got it”, I was going to blow.

I’m at a point in my life where sometimes waking up just hurts. I am at a point in my life where sometimes I will just start crying for no apparent reason, extremely thankful for a husband who will just come and hold me. A point in my life where I regret making certain job decisions after college but knowing that there is no turning back now, knowing that God has a plan for all of it, and knowing that I have met some pretty incredible people because of those decisions. He uses each and every decision for His glory. I am at a point in my life where I just say “Now what God? Are you there? Do you hear me?” Do I truly know He is there deep down, yes. Do I believe that He will create something beautiful out of this, yes. Have I seen him move mountains before, yes. I believe all these things, but right now, I feel like my relationship with Him is that of middle school girls who are fighting because they both like the same boy. You know that fight in middle school when the Jonas Brothers were a thing and you each had a BIG crush on Nick. Knowing that the fight was so stupid and unrealistic and you would be friends again next week but if something were to happen to one of you the other would be there at the drop of a dime. We’ve all been there, right?

Looking back throughout this year, I have seen God work immensely, through my relationship with my husband. I’ve seen God work through my mended relationship with my dad. I’ve seen God work through me re-gaining my confidence back in a medical office setting working with patients. I’ve seen God work through so much. I’ve seen God work in little ways when I needed Him most. Those days that hurt to get out of bed, I see him in little ways throughout the day. I do not want to sound like this year has been terrible. It has not been all bad. It has been a year of challenges. It has been a year of learning. It has been a year of figuring out who God created me to be. It has been a year of discernment. It has been a year of vulnerability. Shelly Giglio once said “God has you here. Be confident. Be humble.” This is my goal for these next few months. Although I am not using my degree, God has me here for a reason. Interviews may come and go and hopefully one sticks eventually, but God has me HERE.

I am going to work on not defining myself as what I do but who I am. I am loved. I am important. I am so much more than the lies society and the enemy are trying to feed to me. I am beautiful. I am courageous. I am valuable. I AM PRICELESS. YOU ARE PRICELESS. Let’s plow through this crazy beautiful life together. Knowing that even though we may cuss and yell at God He is still holding our hands and picking up our feet through the gunk of life. Each little valley and hill is important to who he is shaping and molding us to be. He hasn’t forgotten about us. Find your table of people. Love them well. Reach out. Ask for help. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT GIVE UP.  Max Lucado once said, “You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do, or what you have done, but simply because you are.”

Repeat after me: I AM THE DAUGHTER/SON OF A KING. WHO IS NOT MOVED BY THE WORLD. FOR MY GOD IS WITH ME AND GOES BEFORE ME.I DO NOT FEAR BECAUSE I AM HIS.

You’ve got this. You are capable of doing amazing things. Be authentically you. Keep your head up. Smile. Wipe those tears off your face and know that the same God who created the mountains, who placed the stars in the sky, also created you with a divine purpose and plan. We may unintentionally or intentionally try to push Him away to navigate this life our way, but lets be real, we do not have control. We are in this together my friends. Our circumstances and stories may be different but we are each fighting a fight together. Love each other well.

Sending my love,

Emily  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." 

- Joshua 1:9

Being a woman.

I have been trying to find words all day for this…

So here it goes, today I received news that I did not receive a ministry position because, well, I'm a female. I woke up and received the email and tears immediately began to fall down my face. "You have an amazing resume and an amazing passion for ministry, but we are looking for a male candidate." My husband just sat there and held me and loved me well. He told me that this situation does not define who I am and who I am in Christ. He reminded me, assured me, and encouraged me that I am loved, I am cherished, and I am worth so much more than what elders of a church are telling me.

This situation made me feel ashamed of being a woman. I have never felt that way before. It made me so insecure. I could've handled the situation in a few ways. Instead of getting frustrated or instead of voicing my opinion and saying something I would regret, I decided to learn from this experience and keep pressing on. Ladies. You are loved. You are valued. You are worthy.

I decided to handle the situation with grace and love. Although I wanted to tell them how I really felt, it made me realize how much more I wanted to be apart of a ministry that inspired students. A ministry that could show students that they could be anything they wanted to be, whether they are a male or female. I want to be a part of a ministry where young girls can look up at their leaders or youth pastors and see that they too can have a HUGE voice in their church. I want girls to see that they can be leaders. That they have value and worth. That although they are a girl that DOES NOT mean they have any less value in society. I want young ladies to know that they can have just as much of a voice as men. I want teenagers to see that they can be world changers. I want them to see that they can be anyone they want to be and together they can be an incredible team that reaches all of the Nations with The Gospel. Personally I believe that both men and women play a crucial role in our churches... look in The Bible. God uses men and women.

My prayer for this church and the many others like it is that they would love students well, show them that their voice matters, equip them to reach their friends with The Gospel, encourage them to spread their wings and watch as they fearlessly pursue their passions.

Finishing strong.

          One of my all time favorite people in the Bible is Paul, my obsession with his story is kind of…. Well, creepy. Paul’s story shows how God can take the least of these and use their circumstances for His glory. God takes the most broken people and makes their stories beautiful; all it takes is your willingness. Basically long story, super short, Paul was Saul and Saul was a Pharisee. (Pharisee’s are people who persecuted/killed Christians) He was a man who passionately persecuted Christians. In Acts 9 you can read his story more in depth but really it talks about how God got Saul’s attention. “As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?’ ‘Who are you, Lord?’ Saul asked. ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ he replied. ^‘Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.’” Saul changed his name to Paul to basically show his transformation and love for the Lord. After Saul’s conversion into Paul he had an intense willingness to go and serve the Lord, he became a man of action and devotion. Paul basically wrote like half of the Bible, isn’t that sweet?! Just like Paul’s willingness to serve God, God wants to utilize who you are in life. God needs your personality, He needs who you are and He needs your passions. He needs you because he has a specific plan and a specific purpose for your life. One of my favorite Christine Caine quotes is, “Nothing about my birth - or yours - was random or accidental. I was born for this time - and so were you. We were each chosen for a particular, cosmically important task that can be done by no one else.”

            Why am I telling you this? Paul was so passionate about the Lord and spreading the Gospel. SO much so that Paul went on three missionary journeys…3! This is when they couldn’t just hop on a plane and be there in a few hours; his journeys were literally on foot. Paul dedicated his life to the Lord and even when he was in jail he trusted so deeply that God would use it for His glory. Paul’s story is something that I have recently learned to I cling to tightly. With going into my spring semester of my senior year in college, it can be so intimidating. Not knowing the future, but luckily, knowing who holds my future. Do I go to seminary? Do I go to YWAM? Do I go into the work force? Questions that if you think about them for too long they can get you so anxious. Now realizing and knowing that above all else I need to finish this race strong and be intentionally present. Just like Bob Goff says, “You don't need a plan; you just need to be present.” Do not stress about the future, instead embrace every moment and do not take it for granted. My favorite verse my parents engraved in my brain when I was little is Colossians 3:23. ‘Whatever you do work at it with ALL YOUR HEART as if working for the Lord and NOT for man.” This semester I am learning to work for God and to be more intentional in all I do. More intentional in my prayer life, more intentional in friendships, more intentional in youth group, more intentional in schoolwork, and especially being more intentional in my jobs.

            I have learned that God has put us in our present circumstances because He needs us there and whether or not we like it or feel confident there it’s because He wants to use us where we are. Shelley Giglio says that, “God has put you there. Be confident and be humble.” Paul says in Ephesians 2:10 that, “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We were created by Christ, set apart and equipped. Francis Chan also says, “But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.” We were created for a specific purpose and plan and often times I think that is something that is so easy to push aside and forget. Do not let your past circumstances determine your future circumstances. You have the opportunity to change your future, positively. Look at the people God uses in the Bible, each of them were inadequate for the job they were set out for, but God equipped, encouraged and used them. Whether or not God calls you to Arvada, Colorado or Alwar, Rajasthan or wherever… be confident and be humble knowing that He will use you if you are willing and if you are obedient. Keep your head up, keep fighting your fight, be confident and have courage. Complete your race well, allow others in so they can see the life altering work the Lord does and most importantly do not lose hope. I don’t know about you, but when I am done fighting this good fight I want to hear, “Well done my good and faithful servant.” All it takes is a little willingness and a little passion like Paul’s.

Acts 20:24: However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

2 Timothy 4:7: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Beloved.

           

              This past week I had the chance to attend the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego. I don’t know about you, but as a Youth Leader this is one of my most favorite times of the year. It’s like Christmas! As an attendee you are surrounded by thousands of youth ministry veterans, leaders, mentors and encouragers. This is an opportunity that as a senior in college I cling to tightly. The word that kept coming up all week was “beloved”. Beloved means: dearly loved, one greatly loved, and adored. Along with that, many of the seminars I attended had something to do with love. Bob Goff, the author of Love Does, talked about what it means to love and how to be fearless with your love. When I attended Amy William’s seminar she talked about how a young woman should be treated. “A young girls daddy should be her first date. He should take her to get her hair and nails done. He should take her out in a limo, so she knows how prized, worthy and important she truly is in the eyes of her earthly father.” The seminar that struck me in the face was one from Debra Hirsch, The author of Redeeming Sex. Debra in the middle of her talk says, “If you never get married, is God still enough?” As I sat there I became struck with emotion and my thoughts went spiraling out of control. As I looked over my friend knew what I was thinking, she said, “I knew that would hit you.” Is God still enough? ABSOLUTELY. DUH. Do I want to get married? YES. DUH. Does God have the ultimate plan? YES.

            Even as a young child I remember planning my wedding with my best friend. From the wedding colors, to where it would be, to the type of dress I would wear, to who my possible future husband would be. Things that over time have changed but the thought process stays the same. From Pinterest, to wedding websites like theknot.com, to my binge watching of Say Yes to the Dress, to the many wedding magazines, planning your wedding is easier now more than ever. From cheesy Disney movies, to 27 Dresses, to the Princess Diaries, to Nicholas Sparks movies. God’s love story is the best love story of them all because it involves YOU. You see… I went into the National Youth Workers Convention convicted. I was weary, teary, stressed and in a sense I was lonely. It had been a year since my latest relationship had ended. I had hit the point where I was sick of being the third wheel, it seemed like everyone and their siblings were getting engaged and I was tired of feeling as though I was not worthy enough for love and affection. Was it my weight? My acne? The gap between my teeth? Or the fact that I no longer had that soccer player’s body? Why was I not dateable? Then the word “beloved” popped up everywhere I went. Beloved… a word that I did not fully understand until that week. It was a reminder that I was greatly loved by the one true King. I was greatly loved by the man who holds my future in His hands and who has the PERFECT man set out for me. A reminder that I am loved no matter what pant size I wear, or the number on the scale, or the big ‘ole zits on my face, I was loved by the one who created me. I realized now more than ever that I am God’s pottery and I am His handiwork. I am treasured, I am LOVED, and I am flawless in His eyes. He created me PERFECT.  Love, was talked about everywhere at the National Youth Workers Convention and I truly believe it was God saying, “EMILY! Enough. I’ve got you. Breathe. YOU ARE ENOUGH.”  I became overwhelmingly thankful that I could fully grasp the Lord’s love, knowing that He has the best plan for my life. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I realized that I needed to change my focus. I needed to direct my focus on investing in the friendships/relationships around me and to do so in a Christ-like way.  I needed to stop focusing and stressing on what I looked like on the outside, but instead I needed to have a heart check and understand my motives. What it came down to was an identity issue.

            When many people think about being a “Godly” woman in a relationship, they head straight into Proverbs 31. While accurate, I believe Proverbs 31 is basically just a set of standards and regulations. Reading Proverbs 31 can be so overwhelming. A proverbs 31 woman is meant to be perfection. As human beings we are not capable of being perfection. We are completely inadequate for the job. BUT With Christ in us it allows us to be attainable.  Basically what I learned is that it comes down to: our relationship with others reflects our relationship with Christ.

            Being a proverbs 31 woman to me means standing firm in the love of our father Jesus Christ. Trusting that he will enable you to become the woman you are set out to be. To not fear your past, instead embrace it, learn from it and allow others in so they can see the transformation work that The Lord does. It definitely is not going to be easy but by surrendering to the Lord and allowing him to take over your life He will guide and protect you. I am absolutely confident in that, I’ve seen it happen.  God has called us into relationships with one another but if God is not at the center of it, it probably isn’t the healthiest relationship. And by probably, trust me, it isn’t the healthiest relationship. Whether it’s a friendship or a relationship, relationship.  If you are ever caught in that situation we, as women need to put our big girl heels on and sprint the heck out of there!

            God has prepared your heart your whole entire life for the one who you are going to marry. Sounds cheesy and cliché, but as a twenty-one year old single woman this is something that I cling onto daily. He has prepared your heart for someone who will acknowledge your strengths, acknowledge your passions, and acknowledge your desires and feed them. God set a fire in your heart for a purpose and a plan, because HE WANTS TO USE YOU. He has someone planned for you who will pour gasoline onto that fire instead of water it out.  While I was in my latest relationship I became who man called me to be, instead of whom God called me to be. As women we need a man whose heart beats for you, a man who pursues you.

             If you have been abused or are stuck in a relationship that is not God honoring. Please do not feel like you are stuck or are “dirty” or that God does not love you. Please know that you are worth SO much more than the lies Satan is feeding you. Those chains that are holding you back from your unique gifts and talents, God will set you free. You are worth so much that GOD SENT JESUS DOWN ON THE CROSS FOR YOU. Once you trust in him he has given you a new life, it will not be easy BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. God’s hands of Grace, security and confidence will wrap around you, and through that you can receive the confidence of being True to whom God made you. Reach out and let people in who want to help you.    

            Look at the women God used in the Bible, Esther, Martha, Ruth, and Mary. Each of them was inadequate for the job they were set out for. They had broken relationships, friendships, and lives in general. Each woman was by no means a Proverbs 31 woman and God used them to change the world. Throw away the idea of being a Proverbs 31 woman. Let’s face it, we all have baggage, we all have regrets, we all are imperfect. BUT we ALL have that same strength and that same power as the women who God used. So keep your head up, Keep that smile on your face and walk confidently knowing that the Lord is holding your hand and guiding your every steps! God wants to use YOU. Not the person that society is trying to shape you into but the you He created you to be. Are you willing to be obedient? Embrace your talents, embrace your gifts and embrace God. He is ENOUGH. He’s got you.

India.

              Let me start off by saying, I would be lying to you if I said that this trip went all according to my plan. Let me try to explain myself. If it told you that I wasn't scared of boarding a plane, traveling halfway across the world, with a girl I had just met that day, to a country I had never been to, to meet people I had never officially met... I'd be lying. Was it easy? Absolutely not. BUT at the age of 17 at a Dare 2 Share conference I went "All-In". "All-In" in this instance meaning every opportunity that God put in front of me, I would be a part of. He has a plan and a purpose for your life, are you willing to be obedient? Some are easy decisions, others are more difficult. At the beginning of this trip, I was questioning why God was sending ME. A quiet girl who doesn't speak a lick of Hindi OR barely passed the Hindu section in her Worldviews class. More selfishly, I didn't care for Indian food (before the trip).  Why me God?
               Before the trip I was already encountering weird spiritual warfare stuff, from family arguments to getting extremely sick the day before I left, it was definitely clear that Satan did not want me going. BUT I shook it off and trusted that God was going to work in and through me.
 When we got off the plane my adrenaline and excitement kicked in, I was ready! We landed late at night so my first experience of India was: car horns, humidity, lots of people, crowded streets, instant sweat, tons of  trash, a distinct scent and did I mention LOTS OF PEOPLE? The next day everything hit me. I saw the real, raw India. I instantly was hit with a wall of emotion, something that hit so powerfully it took my breath away. Yes, I've been on mission trips before and traveled across the world by the grace of God, but this, this was something completely different. Kenya, Puerto Rico and many European countries have Christian influence, which allows for hope. India... India has no Christian influence. No hope.
          Did you know there are more than 35 million orphans in India alone. Did you know that because Hindu is the main religion they do not do anything for these children, because they believe that these children must have done something to "deserve" this life in their past life. Did you know that Hindu's worship rats and other animals. There is a rat temple with millions and billions of rats that people go to, to worship and drink the same milk as THE RATS? Did you know there are more young girl, not women, young girl prostitutes in India than the entire female population in America? Did you know in Alwar, Rajesthan there are more prostitutes than Christians? Did you know that in Alwar alone there are over 19 prostitution villages? Did you know any of this? I thought I had prepared myself well enough but... I did not. There is darkness all over this country. A darkness that is only understood if you see it for yourself. Watching as children are forced to beg and if they don't make their "quota" they'll be drugged and beaten. FEELING little hands grab my arms, begging. Looking into their eyes and praying over them. Watching people as they walk around Zombie-fied.
             At Shiloh, where I stayed, there were 2 Hindu temples and a Muslin mosque literally on the other side of our fence. You could say that Satan was at work. The spiritual warfare was present. The first week of the trip, I couldn't stop crying. For a girl who only cries in private, I was a blabbering mess. It was embarrassing. Literally feeling like Satan was laughing at me. What happened to that strong girl who was ready to take on the World? What happened to her strength, her passion and her desire to help others? I felt like I was in a giant depression. I was miserable. I had told my mom that, “I probably shouldn't be here because there is nothing I can do. I'm just a 21 year old girl from Arvada, Colorado who just needs to get out.” Words not from my inner self but from all the warfare surrounding me. Why am I telling you this? Just wait! People would call and pray over me, they would text me prayers and message me on Facebook. Then my uncle called. He said "Emily, I will do what is best for you." I then proceeded to tell him that there is so much hurt and so many helpless/hopeless people here, I'm not qualified”. He then proceeded to say, "Emily, as Christians we all have a light within us. Sure, you need to shine where there are other lights, but even though you do not feel qualified, YOU have a light. Even in a sea of darkness, they will be able to see your light shining, whether it's bright or dim." He prayed over me and I began to weep, literally weep, not cry, weep. I spent the next few hours digging deep into His word and in prayer. Something I should have done longgggg before but I had been falling into the trap Satan was trying to set up.
                That night that depression was gone and God gave me a new lens to look through, to look through His lens. I was listening to Hillsong's song Relentless. "You're love is relentless." Relentless. Never gives up. Everlasting.  He didn't send me to feel helpless, he sent me to be Relentless. He sent me because I was capable. I'm not capable on my own like I was unintentionally trying to do, but I am capable when I hand it all over to Him and he becomes the pilot and I become the passenger. From those moments forwarded God changed my heart. He gave me a whole new perspective. He changed the way I would react. Sure my heart was still wrecked, but he was holding my hand protecting and directing my heart. I had a feeling this trip would impact my life, but I did not realize how much. God broke my heart for what breaks His. "Wake up and look around Emily!"
             By showing people the love of God, it creates room for friendships, relationships and meaningful/intentional conversations. It allows for orphaned boys to know that they matter (No Longer Orphans does an incredible job at this). That they are loved. That they have a purpose. That even though their society is telling them otherwise, they are perfectly placed on the earth for a beautiful, thought out purpose and reason. Because of forced arranged marriages and prostitution all over the city, sometimes love is viewed as a negative thing. But Gods love changes lives. It heals wounds. It stitches scars. It allows you to break free from the chains that are holding you back from the best you, you can be. Through much prayer God proved to me that I was there to simply love.
             Indians are not affectionate people... In fact in the beginning I would hug the boys and it would be like hugging a metal pole, they didn't really know how to hug back, or at least feel comfortable hugging me. "Alright God, HELP ME." I then decided high-fives were a good leeway. They would be a good starter for positive love. To let them know that "I see you and I care about YOU!" Let me tell you, high-fives with 40 boys gets intense! The more comfortable they are around you the more the high-fives hurt, but I took that as progress and I was absolutely positively okay with that. I gave so many high-fives that I almost gave a man a high-five at a restaurant when he said "Namaste!" and raised his hand. How embarrassing would that have been….
             After high-fives, high-fives instantly became handshakes. All sorts of handshakes. All different ones that they were teaching me. We would make them up or make the ones they knew more intense. You would never feel alone walking through Shiloh with all the handshakes going around. It became the thing at the children's home. It was my favorite. The day I left, the boys swarmed me with hugs. HUGS. All of them. I cried. The power of God’s love is incredible. I left my heart in a place I did not think I would leave it. In a place that in the beginning I just wanted out. I left my heart in a place where I felt I was not needed or equipped enough to be. I left my heart in India. In a country filled with darkness, filled depression and a country with no hope. I learned about God's love in India, what I thought I already knew became that much more intimate. Learning, seeing, and being God's love in a way I had never experienced. I am forever grateful and humbled for this experience. My heart will forever be in a place I least expected. That is why the trip did not go according to my plan, instead I believe it went according to HIS plan.

Thankful. Humbled. Blessed.

              Throughout this Dare2Share conference season, I have had the privilege and opportunity of meeting some pretty awesome students and leaders. This weekend we had conference five minutes from my house. We were surrounded by students and leaders throughout our community, it was so humbling and exciting to watch and see God move. Our youth group students were there, my small group girls were there and my friends and family were there. It was awesome. When conference ended last night I had this young girl come up to me with tears in her eyes. As I listened my heart broke for her. I prayed over her and tried to offer a little bit of hope. Late last night I received this email from her...
 
"Hi Emily! Once again, thank you very much for telling your story today at Dare To Share. I cannot tell you how much it helped. Like I told you, I went through hip surgery in December after a three-month period of MRIs, doctors, and that whole process including crutches because I had both a stress fracture and labrum tear in the same hip. I have always identified myself of a runner. Loosing it was like loosing everything. I know that you can understand that times three. I have been really upset with God, and that anger is slowly eating away with my relationship with God and with others. My labrum tear was half structural and half my fault for overdoing the summer running. Today after the outreach session I was sitting and thinking that the weekend had been good but not what I expected. I had expected to find peace with God about all that has happened within the last few months. But, then the room went black and they shared the video of your testimony. I felt in that moment that someone else knew the extent for what I was going through. I have always known that God feels with me, but he has been so quiet recently. I have had friends that have suffered serious injuries but none of them have felt the same way that I have. Many times I have thought, "What’s the point to all this life anyway?" After they showed your testimony I knew that someone else had walked that same road. So, thank you very much for sharing."

I know I say this a lot, but I am so thankful to have met Heather. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be so open about what she is going through. 

“Heather! First off, you are the sweetest girl ever and I am so thankful to have met you this weekend. Thank you so much for being so open about what you have gone through. That in and of itself takes a lot of strength. Surgery and sports injuries are such a tough thing and when you are in the midst of it, it seems like your whole entire world is shattering. I feel like it is only healthy to be mad at God for putting you through this. “It’s not fair, why does this have to happen to me?” Just know that he is God and he will win, no matter how far you try to run and hide. Trust me, I have totally tried. As an injured athlete I know what it is like to feel alone, angered, frustrated and feel like there is absolutely no hope or end in sight. I know it is hard to see right now, but God has a beautiful plan for why you are going through what you are going through. He is going to use your story for His glory and impact the Kingdom. I know that when I was in high school and someone would tell me that, I would just roll my eyes at them. BUT it is so true. I could NOT have survived my depression if it was not for God. He is a totally rad guy who cares so deeply and desperately for you. He knew you before you were born and set you apart to use YOU. Please just keep your head up and continue to strive forward knowing that you are NEVER alone. God is by your side, holding your hand and guiding you every step of the way. The path may be a little rocky now, but it will be beautiful sooner or later. I would encourage you to start drawing a heart on your hand. I have my middle school girls do this each week. My heart resembles that no matter where I am in life, I am never alone. God is with me through the ups and the downs, the trials, the errors and the celebrations. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is a God who cares so passionately about YOU. How cool is that. Heather. You are important. You are beautiful. You are valued. AND YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY LOVED. I am praying for courage, strength and hope as you move forward. You are a beautiful girl inside and out and God has some pretty amazing plans for your life. Just buckle up and hang on for the adventurous ride ahead. You are going to do amazing things!”

Please join me in praying for Heather and the many other students I talked to this weekend and these past weekends. Pray that they feel Gods peace, comfort and encouragement as they continue to walk this journey that God has set for them. These students are not alone. Reach out, talk to them, encourage them, love them.  This weekend, like many weekends, I am thankful that God gave me a second chance. I am thankful for the incredible life altering work Dare2Share is doing. I am thankful for the obstacles and challenges I have had to overcome. I am thankful for the opportunities he has provided. I am thankful. I am humbled. I am blessed. 

“Whatever you do (whether soccer, swim team, school, cross country, band, choir, work, etc.) work at it with all your heart as if working for the Lord, not for man.”

–Colossians 3:23