Hi. My name is Emily. I’m a wife. I’m
a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m
a dog mom. I’m a friend. I’m
a youth worker. I’m a coffee enthusiast. I’m
a Mexican food junkie. I am a travel freak. I am someone who is trying to break
up my break up with God. *Gasp* Now
before you freak out and start sending me a billion text messages, emails or
Facebook comments, hear me out. Throughout this past season of life, I have
been blessed beyond measure and I have also felt like I have been incredibly, I
mean incredibly beat up. Charles Spurgeon once said, “The seasons change and you change, but
the Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of His love are as deep, as
broad and as full as ever.”
I have recently
found two incredible women on social media who are entrepreneurs, Jenna Kutcher
and Ashley LeMieux. They have put their vulnerability on the line to show how
on social media their life may look perfect but behind the camera they are just
like everyone else. They are struggling too. They are trying to navigate
through this crazy, messy, beautiful life just like each of us.
I do not want this
blog to sound like I am complaining or that I am being a drama queen. Quite the
opposite, actually. I want to be real, I want to be raw, I want to be
vulnerable, and I want others to know that they are not alone in this fight. I
want people to know that together we are fighting, together we are striving and
together we are re- learning to love Jesus a whole lot more. *Now you can
breathe*
This past year has
been a crazy roller coaster of mountains and valleys. From getting engaged, to
graduating college, to getting married, to having a dream job (to turning down
a few others for it), to losing that dream job, to going back on Dad’s
payroll because those other jobs were no longer available, to being turned
down/rejected from 25 (Yes you heard me right, 25!) jobs. What the
heck.
Marriage. Marriage
is one of the best decisions I have ever made. My husband is the most
patient and kind-hearted person I know. He knows my quirks and somehow makes
them awesome. He knows my struggles and insecurities and somehow helps make
them disappear. He is the greatest. The way he loves me shows me just a glimpse
of how our God loves. Can you even imagine?!
Job-hunting, job
hunting brings out my insecurities. The insecurities that I have been working
to fight off for my whole life. Those lies that the enemy tries to engrave on
my body so every time I look in the mirror my worth feels like it is flushed
down the toilet. Yes, I go into those interviews, chin up, smile on my face,
heels on ready to kick some ass but once that rejection email or phone call
comes around saying: “Emily we loved you but you got beat out by
someone with a few more years of experience”, “Emily
would your husband be interested in this position? You could volunteer? We do
not have women in leadership positions here.” or
better yet from HR from my alma mater stating
“You are not qualified for this position.” When people would ask how I was doing, my
immediate response was, “I’m good!” When deep down it felt as though there was
barbed wire around my heart, broken and ready to burst. Watching from the
sidelines as friends are getting their dream jobs and wondering if you will
ever get the chance to get yours.
“You are not qualified”, “you
got beat out by someone who had more experience” are
statements said in every single email or phone call I have received. In my
head, these statements translated to “Emily, you are not good enough.”
Deep down I knew that this statement I had created was not true BUT when you
see these statements in writing, week after week, interview after interview, they
start to really put a toll on ones self. Statements that unintentionally start
to define you. These statements create a fight that you get tired of fighting.
Thoughts and dreams began popping into my head that were scary, knowing that I would
not act, but because of this I had to get my support system/table of people
around me to help me fight through this time in my life successfully and
gracefully. I was at a point in my life where I would get an email, run to my
car crying hysterically, and just start yelling at God, “GOD.
WHAT THE _____ (You fill in the blank)!!!!!” I
was at a point in my life that if one more person told me, “God’s got it”, I was going to blow.
I’m at
a point in my life where sometimes waking up just hurts. I am at a point in my
life where sometimes I will just start crying for no apparent reason, extremely
thankful for a husband who will just come and hold me. A point in my life where
I regret making certain job decisions after college but knowing that there is
no turning back now, knowing that God has a plan for all of it, and knowing that I have met some pretty incredible people because of those decisions. He uses each
and every decision for His glory. I am at a point in my life where I just say “Now
what God? Are you there? Do you hear me?” Do I truly know He is there deep down, yes.
Do I believe that He will create something beautiful out of this, yes. Have I
seen him move mountains before, yes. I believe all these things, but right now,
I feel like my relationship with Him is that of middle school girls who are
fighting because they both like the same boy. You know that fight in middle
school when the Jonas Brothers were a thing and you each had a BIG crush on
Nick. Knowing that the fight was so stupid and unrealistic and you would be
friends again next week but if something were to happen to one of you the other
would be there at the drop of a dime. We’ve all been there, right?
Looking back
throughout this year, I have seen God work immensely, through my relationship
with my husband. I’ve seen God work through my mended relationship
with my dad. I’ve seen God work through me re-gaining my
confidence back in a medical office setting working with patients. I’ve
seen God work through so much. I’ve seen God work in little ways when I needed
Him most. Those days that hurt to get out of bed, I see him in little ways
throughout the day. I do not want to sound like this year has been terrible. It
has not been all bad. It has been a year of challenges. It has been a year of
learning. It has been a year of figuring out who God created me to be. It has
been a year of discernment. It has been a year of vulnerability. Shelly Giglio
once said “God has you here. Be confident. Be humble.”
This is my goal for these next few months. Although I am not using my degree,
God has me here for a reason. Interviews may come and go and hopefully one
sticks eventually, but God has me HERE.
I am going to work
on not defining myself as what I do but who I am. I am loved. I am
important. I am so much more than the lies society and the enemy are trying to
feed to me. I am beautiful. I am courageous. I am valuable. I AM PRICELESS.
YOU ARE PRICELESS. Let’s plow through this crazy beautiful life
together. Knowing that even though we may cuss and yell at God He is still
holding our hands and picking up our feet through the gunk of life. Each little
valley and hill is important to who he is shaping and molding us to be. He hasn’t
forgotten about us. Find your table of people. Love them well. Reach out. Ask
for help. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT GIVE UP. Max Lucado once said, “You
are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do, or what you have
done, but simply because you are.”
Repeat after me: I AM THE DAUGHTER/SON OF A KING. WHO IS NOT MOVED BY THE WORLD. FOR MY
GOD IS WITH ME AND GOES BEFORE ME.I DO NOT FEAR BECAUSE I AM HIS.
You’ve
got this. You are capable of doing amazing things. Be authentically you. Keep
your head up. Smile. Wipe those tears off your face and know that the same God
who created the mountains, who placed the stars in the sky, also created you
with a divine purpose and plan. We may unintentionally or intentionally try to
push Him away to navigate this life our way, but lets be real, we do not have
control. We are in this together my friends. Our circumstances and stories may
be different but we are each fighting a fight together. Love each other well.
Sending my love,
Emily
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9
